Our Most Vulnerable Journey (Update)
I've been reading about people who have a similar journey to us that documenting their journey was so helpful and served as such a beautiful reminder of the process. So, here I am. I'm just going to lay all my thoughts out here hoping there are a few who get life from them.
There's no textbook on life, right? Much of how we learn is trial and error. I'm a very logical & rational person. Step A leads to Step B, which leads to End Goal C. This is how my brain works. However, I am realizing "life" has no formulas...not one. And following God? Zero formulas. God's like "trust me....the end" and I'm like AHHHHHH, I need some rationale. I need some logical steps. Truly, in this season, I feel like I'm free falling constantly, hoping I land somewhere good.
We started this IVF journey in May of this year. It's been 6 months of planning, doctor appointments, blood draws, self-administered hormone injections, good news, not great news, and all the while, a mind that cannot compute but a tiny fraction of any of it. Sometimes I will sit for hours and try to wrap my mind around everything and I just give up because I can't come to any solid place. You may be thinking, God. God is your solid place. He is Your solid Rock. He is but let me put this journey into perspective for you. Imagine you've been dreaming of something for 7 years. That's 2,555 days, 61,230 hours, 3,679,200 minutes. You're now just a mere 2-3 weeks from having all that you've dreamed of for 2,555 days, 61,230 hours, 3,679,200 minutes or having nothing....again. It's right there. Right at your fingertips and you're either going to get all you've dreamed of or not. Oh, and you've got one shot at this dream. Just one. This is the limbo I am currently living in, daily. It's a little tortuous, honestly. Some days I don't want to fight for this. Some days I want to give up on all of it and just embrace my life of barrenness and shut that door.
The only thing keeping me afloat is Him and my strong husband, who constantly reminds me of God and what He's said. God is the only one that can do this. And please don't get me wrong. God and me are talking. We talk daily, hourly, right now. He's with me and I'm with Him but MAN.. this journey is hard.
You may be thinking, so what are you learning in this season? I'm learning more than I can write down or even comprehend at this point BUT, for the sake of giving you all an update, I'm learning that I can cry, a lot, and it doesn't make me less faithful or doubtful. I'm learning that I can take some time off of normal life when I'm going through hard things. I'm learning that God wants me to share more with Him more than I do with the world (social media.... I may never come back ya'll). I'm learning that I can be brutally honest with God and I mean brutal and that also doesn't make me less faithful or doubtful or a bad believer. It just makes me honest and He can work with that. I'm learning that you can lean on other people's faith when yours is low or wavering. I'm learning that He's with me. Regardless of what happens in the next month, He is with me. He will always be with me. He's always been with me, in everything I've gone through, and I will get through this too.
Well, there's my update. Here's where I'm at. Clinging to God, my only Hope.
If you think of us, pray.