Our Most Vulnerable Journey
"This is the most difficult journey I have ever been on. More painful than the adultery our marriage went through. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."
I said this last week to a friend. Her response was a "(gasp).. WOW." Some of you may have that same shocked response but until you've walked this journey, for this long, you don't fully know the pain. And that's ok. But this is the raw, unfiltered emotion that comes from a woman who has waited for children. A woman who has waited for the fulfillment of her most defining moment. The fulfillment of the unquestionable, undeniable, coursing through her veins, beating in her chest, thing she was born to do. The moment she becomes a mother.
We started "trying" around 2010; although, we have never "prevented" except our very first year of marriage. Year one was hopeful. I thought FOR SURE we would get pregnant. Everyone, and I mean, EVERYONE tells you you're going to get pregnant. They share their stories with you. Stories of their friends and family members. NO ONE tells you otherwise. No one talks about what happens AFTER year one when you're still not pregnant.
Year one came and went for us. "Is there something wrong with me?" "Why can't I get pregnant?" "Is this payback for my past?". These were the agonizing questions I had. They haunted me. They pushed me into a frenzy of research and doctor appointments and reading story after story and joining groups online and avoiding conversations about pregnancy and cringing at the question "So when are you going to have kids?"
Year two was full of unanswered questions, months and months of trying, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test, avoiding baby showers because of the pain, watching my friends get pregnant one after the other and dying a little inside. However, in year two a tiny ray of hope came. I figured out a way to naturally cure my cystic acne and my crazy, irregular periods. This was an answer to prayer. The answer, I thought, to pregnancy. While my periods become more and more regular I counted that as progress and hope of pregnancy. I did ALL that I knew to do. I ate the right foods, I took the right herbs, I bought the right supplements and after 1 year my periods were perfect and my face was completely clear. Pregnancy was sure to be next...
Year three. God gives us a dream. It came in a month I thought I was pregnant. I was feeling all of the symptoms. I went to sleep one night during that month and had a dream. In this dream I had given birth to a baby girl. Her name was Ella-Rae. She was 8lbs 8oz and she was beautiful. I was holding her in my arms and then woke up from the dream. That morning I woke up to my period. Heartbreak, again, but this time a seed of hope was planted in my heart. This dream was a promise from God. A couple months later God spoke to me and asked me to look up the Hebrew meaning of the number 8. The Hebrew meaning of the number 8 is "New Beginnings" AND "Super Abundant Fertility." This blew me away. I felt infertile at this point. I felt like my body was never going to be able to achieve pregnancy. And here the Lord was speaking over mine and Roberts bodies that we were super abundant in fertility. Hope begins to grow.
Year four through six. Three full years of HUGE & important lessons learned.
Carrying His promise to us well.
Rejoicing with others.
Faith in the face of seemingly impossible circumstances.
Just to name a few. The biggest one being "rejoicing with others." God cares deeply about this. If you are able to rejoice with others it means you understand who you are & who God is. You understand that He is a great Father and that you are not an orphan. You understand that you can trust Him and you understand how to really love people right where they are.
Year seven. Now. Today. We are at the crux of our most vulnerable journey. Sharing this next chapter, publicly, is, honestly... terrifying. Asking for help financially and then opening up our lives for people to watch this next phase of our journey unfold has been overwhelming. But, also, really beautiful. Allowing people to pray & support us has been so needed. I don't know what the next couple months have for us. I don't know what the plan is for this part of our journey. I do know that God is good. That He made us a promise that He will keep. That He wants good things for us and that He did not design us to walk out hard stuff alone.
Thank you for reading this. Thank you for praying for us and thank you for supporting us financially. We need you.