This Is Your Life...
One of my favorite attributes to find in a person is their ability to live in the moment. Ones' ability to be keenly present, taking in each moment & each conversation as it comes, is amazing to watch. Fortunately, my husband has this attribute and it's so cool to see him walk this out. Although, sometimes I want to shake him for it and say, "Wake up! There's a whole path or several potential paths that this moment could create." I'm a person who looks at a decision, encounter or conversation and imagines what ripple affect it could create. My mind tends to go this way, "Thing A leads to Thing B. Thing B could turn into Thing C, D or E. If it turns into Thing C then Thing F will occur. If it turns into Thing D, then Thing G will occur..." You get where this is going. It's a gift and a challenge at the same time. It's a gift in that I tend to be able to see potential pitfalls or consequences. It's a challenge in that it hinders me from really living in the moment and trusting the many messy processes we need to go through as humans to learn and grow. I've talked before about how I like to be in control. It's a daily letting go and recently, I've felt the Lord really nudging me to let go of what I want my life to look like or what I expect or imagine it to look like and to EMBRACE, fully, what it truthfully and honestly is.
I think now, more than any other time in history, is it the hardest to live in the moment. There are so many things pulling us from our present. So many things pulling us from our own lives and into other peoples' lives. As I am very quickly, it seems, approaching motherhood, I want to be present with my baby boy. I want him to know that he is the most important thing in the world to me but the reality, for me, is that I have to practice being present even now, in preparation for his arrival. Which is why the Lord has been nudging me in that direction.
So, here's what I hear Him saying. "Laura, this IS your life. Exactly what it is in this moment is your life." I feel him challenging me to embrace what my life is right now, here, in this city, in this job, in this community, in this house & in this situation. I've done my fair share of fighting where I am but I hear him saying, "let go." My nature is not to let go. My nature is to fight, to pursue, & to conquer. And He seems to be asking me to do the very opposite. OH...how uncomfortable I am. In all very vulnerable honesty, some days I feel unseen & insignificant. Some days I feel angry & lost. Some days I feel like a fool.
Following Jesus is both challenging & beautiful.
For the fighter, letting go can be a challenge because it's painful & against our nature. So, when do you give up the fight? The answer to that, for me, is when you're losing yourself for the win.
Your biggest loss is losing yourself. You can be fighting to win at life but you're not actually winning if you're disconnected from what IS your present life. You're striving so hard to be somewhere else or something else, all the while, missing your actual life. For me, embracing my present life is an act of faith. There's a fear that If I choose to embrace my life for what it is then I'm giving up on my dreams or I'm not living up to my full potential. But the truth is you can live with a perspective of gratefulness for your present life, fully embracing all that it is, while moving forward into what you dream about. With God, it's not one or the other.
To live fully disconnected from your present life is not truly living and to live fully disconnected from what you dream about is also not fully living.
You may not be able to dive into the deep end of all you dream about but I guarantee there is something you can do today, this week, this month, that propels you toward that dream. Take an online class, sign up for a local open mic night, start a small blog that you write in once a week (or once a month like me...haha) and then, enjoy the little moments today. All those tiny moments you experience today are your REAL life. When your baby has a blow out in his diaper and then laughs and smiles at you right after... This is your life. When your spouse kisses you on your forehead to wake you up out of bed... This is your life. When your friend calls to talk about something difficult she's going through (pick up the phone & don't text)... this is your life (I'm still working on this one). All these little moments are your really beautiful life and I think we can easily forget that. We take for granted the small things in our lives that some people may never experience or are waiting to experience. Just 6 months ago there's nothing I wouldn't do to have a baby and thus, experience a blow out...haha! Whenever I get caught up in what my life ISN'T I remember that I'm living what someone else dreams about and it puts my perspective back where it needs to be and that's to really & truly love and embrace my life. The more you love your life the more you'll love your life. <3